


This Isn't A Healthy Coping Mechanism

by ItIsTheSpaceJam (fallenkilljoy4)



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, M/M, Post-Break Up, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-05-02
Packaged: 2019-05-01 03:03:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14511114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallenkilljoy4/pseuds/ItIsTheSpaceJam
Summary: "I'm saying this because I care about you," Jared finally turns to face Connor, just in time to see a single tear slip down his cheek and onto the pillow, "This isn't a healthy coping mechanism"Connor knew that. And he knew that this was only making him feel worse. But in those moments they shared together, when they were so close they could be one, he could pretend.





	This Isn't A Healthy Coping Mechanism

"We can't keep doing this." Jared can't even bring himself to look Connor in the eye. He fixes his gaze on the ceiling, the glow in the dark stars that have been there for god knows how long. If those stars could talk, oh the stories they'd tell. Jared remembered when they kissed for the first time, under those stars, on this very bed. Those stars had seen their first fight, the first time they saw each other cry...

"I know" Connor pulls the covers up to cover his chest, and for a moment, Jared thinks he looks like the women in the movies, covering themselves up even though, really, what was the point? It wasn't like Jared hadn't already seen every part of him.

"Look, I'm all up for casual fucking," Jared sighed, "But, we broke up for a reason, Connor."

Out of the corner of his eye, Jared sees Connor run a hand through his hair, and squeeze his eyes shut. Oh god, don't cry, Jared thinks. He hated seeing Connor cry. Especially when he knew he was the reason Connor was crying. 

"I'm saying this because I care about you," Jared finally turns to face Connor, just in time to see a single tear slip down his cheek and onto the pillow, "This isn't a healthy coping mechanism" 

Connor knew that. He knew he shouldn't be calling his ex over for sex almost every weekend. And he knew that this was only making him feel worse. But in those moments they shared together, when they were so close they could be one, he could pretend. Pretend that everything was alright. Pretend everything hadn't gone to complete shit. Pretend he hadn't fucked everything up like he always did. 

"Can I ask you something?" Connor choked out. Jared knew he was moments away from sobbing, and it hurt, but he nodded. "When did you stop loving me?"

Jared chewed on his bottom lip. How was he supposed to answer that? 'I stopped loving you when you yelled at me for playing a song you didn't like in the car.' No. 'I stopped loving you when we kissed on the beach at midnight, and I didn't feel anything.' No. 'I stopped loving you that one time when you were upset, and I tried to make you laugh but everything I did just made you more and more upset and I felt so fucking useless that I just left you to cry alone in your room.' No. The truth was, there wasn't one specific moment. 

"I don't know," Jared admitted, "I just... You were the one, until you weren't" 

Connor covered his mouth with the back of his hand, in a vain attempt to stifle a sob.

"But that's not you're fault," Jared quickly added, "There was nothing you could've done."

"Yeah, well, sometimes that's worse." 

Connor looked so...tired. His eyes were bloodshot, his hair was a mess, and his face just looked so lifeless. And Jared felt horrible. Because this was his fault. He hurt Connor. It didn't matter that it never would have worked between them, because he broke him.

Connor thought back to all the times he'd felt trapped in their relationship. Moments when he'd almost broken up with Jared on an impulse, just because. Sleepless nights wishing Jared would just get fed up and hit him already, just so he'd have a reason to leave. He regretted all that now. There was nothing, absolutely nothing, Connor wouldn't do for just one more day, one more hour, with him.

"Did you mean it?" Connor asked, wiping the tears from his face, "When you said we could be friends?"

Jared nodded, "Yeah, I did." He turned to look Connor in the eyes. "I want to be your friend, Connor."

Connor turned away, cocooning himself in the blankets. If Jared ever really loved him, then why did every word that came out his mouth sound so empty? Like when you're little, and you proudly announce to your parents that you're going to be president someday, and they smile and nod and encourage you, even though they know it's never going to happen. 

"All I ever wanted was for you to be happy" Connor's voice was small, and weak, and he was speaking more to the open air than to Jared himself. "And if we need to be apart for you to be happy, then..." 

He didn't want to cry again. Connor really hated crying. That was all he seemed to do anymore, and he hated it. 

"I should've held you more," He couldn't breath, his throat burned and his heart was pounding and he just wanted to scream. "I should've kissed you more. I should've told you how much you meant to me."

Jared put his clothes back on, pretending that Connor wasn't reducing himself to a shaking, sniveling mess just beside him. He tied his shoes, pretending that his world wasn't crumbling around him. He opened the door, pretending he wasn't walking out on the best investment, and the worst mistake, he had ever made. Then, just as he was about to close the door behind him, he heard Connor's voice, muffled and quivering.

"I love you"

And Jared gave in.

"I'm sorry"

And he left.


End file.
